Lexicon humor - not to be confused with PDMS lexicon

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened Criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky Ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

I hope all the Brits here will have a laugh...

Increased from before?

No Brit but found it a good laugh.

harryh, how about post your other English language joke, the one about PH...

I'll memorised it! :) Very good

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
      I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
      "No," she answered.
      I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
      She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
      So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
      And then the fight started....

      *********

      When I retired, I went to Centrelink Office to apply for Social Security.
      The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
      I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
      I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

      The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
      She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processed my Social Security application.
      When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

      She said, "You should  have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".

      And then the fight started.....

      *********

      Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
      I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.  I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

      My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

      And that's how the fight started ...

      *********

      My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

      My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

      "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend.  I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

      "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

      And then the fight started.....

      *********

      I rear-ended a car this morning.  So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.  You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

      He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

      So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

      And then the fight started.....

      *********

      I took my wife to a restaurant.  The waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

      He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

      "Nah, she can order for herself."

      And then the fight started.....

      *********

What to do when things get tough